The Garbage Pail Theory

Garbage Pail Kids!!!   One of the greatest phenomenon to come out of the 1980’s!
There were 15 series that came out of the original sets.  Sometimes the artwork was the same with a different name, a spoof on the Cabbage Patch Kids who claimed that no 2 dolls were the same.
So in the process of digging through mountainous years of childhood hoarding, I came across a Snickers tin filled with my personal set of the original cards.  That’s right kiddies, these photos are mine, not some shit pulled off the world wide web.  
As I got to flipping through these, I started to realize how totally effed up they are!  I don’t blame them in any way for the jacked up society that my generation has created, but I can see how they could definitely be to blame for something here or there and how uber conservative parents such as mine might have seen them unfit for their kids to have.  Which makes me wonder why my parents let us have them.
In typical me fashion, I present to you…my view of Garbage Pail Kids!
This is only the best of the best of my collection…aka, the ones that will be the best to poke fun at. 
Pinned Lynn.  For real?  Hey kiddies, have you heard of Voodoo?  It’s great!  You can make a doll in the likeness of the class bully, your teacher, and that popular girl that gets under your skin and then stab the doll to inflict injury on your chosen enemy!  It’s awesome!  And that’s just lesson #1!!!  Wait until we get to raising the dead as zombies!!  Voodoo is FUN!

Clean Maureen.  I don’t even know what to say to this one.  I have realized though, that Garbage Pail Kids were so freakin racist!  The well…I’m not 100% sure if the child shown is Hispanic, African American, or something else…but does this card really show what appears to be an African American kid HANGING in the ghetto?  Really?!?  So not PC…and coming from me, that’s bad!  *Just to clarify…I’m politically incorrect, not racist.*

Nailed Neil!!  I love the fact that he had the sense; while entrancing a cobra and laying on a bed of nails, to bring a first aid kit!  There’s some forethought for you!  No worries, kids.  Playing with deadly snakes and sharp potentially rusty objects is all fun and games as long as you keep a first aid kit near by!  

Dyin’ Dinah.  Who names their kid Dinah?  I mean after the song that sings “Dinah won’t you blow…” no way would I go there!  She’s sweating as she drops through freezing cold upper atmospheric air while strapped to Fat Man.  Of course.  What child wouldn’t be sweating?

Woody Alan…this one only disturbs me because of the leg being hacked off by a saw. 

Ashley Can.  She CAN dig through garbage, she CAN present an awesome image for the city she loves so much and while what appears to be the twin towers rises in the background, Ashley CAN show us just how the creators of GPKs really feel about the Big Apple.  Ouch!  

This one makes me giggle snort after this whole mess with BP.  Perhaps the GPK creators were predicting the future.  Again with the NYC bashing!  What’s up with that?

Deadly Dudley.  Nothing like a kids collector card depicting the murder of another one of the characters from the same line of products.  Dudley…the leather pants?  Are they really necessary?  And is that hair, a scar, or a jacked up Kanji tattoo on his chest?  

I just want to use this one to point out that in the 80’s…we still encouraged kids to smoke.  You’d be amazed how many GPKs smoked.  Smokers!  Bet they all have paper lung cancer now.  Stupid cartoons.

Moist Joyce…it’s ok neglectful mommas who are busy eating bon bons and watching…well I’m not sure what talk shows were on back in the day…but don’t worry about that child rotting in its own piss in the corner.  Seriously, some moms are like that.  I’ve dealt with one such mom.  

WTF is this?  
#1  The dough boy…yeah he was too smart to ever get caught up under a rolling pin.
#2  Who would roll him out if they DID catch him…I can’t imagine it being pleasant, easy, or necessary.  Is he the last bit of dough on the planet.  Will we die without his bready goodness?  
#3  Who wants to eat something made out of a dough that’s such an unappetizing greenish color anyway?

Beth Death.  I just put this one up here for my sister in law šŸ™‚

Mmmmmmmmmm…Cannibalism…

Flat Tyler.  He got run over.  He got run over.  HE GOT RUN THE FUCK OVER.  And yet he still has that same silly stare on his face.  Don’t play in the street kiddies!  

His friends may be cheering him on in the background but I don’t think Cherry is having fun.  Maybe he is blowing himself up because his parents named him Cherry.  I strive to keep my kids from playing with fire works…this is not helping.

Gigglesnort…make fun of the pot heads.  DUDE…yer so stoned you don’t even know you’re book’s upside down!  Nice b-jeezus sandals and bongos.  On a side note, I got a huge kick this morning out of my friend’s address.  We went to high school together and now live in the same town.  She was and still is one of the biggest hippies I’ve ever known in my life and when I drove past her place today, I realized for the 1st time that her address is 420.  Wonder if she planned that…

F pride in your country!  Sam picks his nose!  

This is the Garbage Pail Kid version of my dog:
HUGE BOOGAH EARS

This is why you should wear a helmet kids.  You might lose teeth, get money from the tooth fairy and break the ground if you fall.  Please also note, it is important to tie your shoes.

Eating disorder anyone?  Anyone?

I’m sorry Mrs. Smith, I just don’t know why your son would think it’s safe to pound a nail into his skull!
This dude has amazing Popeye arms.  I’m surprised spinach isn’t oozing out of the holes in his head.

This is just weird.  I do dig the U2 on the block though.  Was U2 really thought of as the type of band someone with a green mohawk would listen to?  I don’t think so.  And since when are punk rockers so docile…he should be jumping around, not sitting there with snot coming out his nose in a complete daze.

‘ROID RAGE!!!

She’s hairy. So what?  Maybe she’s French!  My sister wore a fanny pack around Disney World all of our vacation last year. When I made fun of her for it, she told me that if anyone said anything about it she would “just act European” because “Europeans can get away with it”.
Nope.  Not cool. 

Just, Ewww!  Teach your child how to use a Kleenex properly.  Gross.  And we wonder why kids spread germs.  YAY for playing with snot!

This is my favorite.  I have nothing negative to say about this.  I blast my brains out regularly with music.

I love teaching children how to crush and kill small unsuspecting animals.  

This one bothers me more than anything.  Back in the day this one totally grossed me out.  
It’s grody to the max!

STFU!!!  
I don’t even know where to start with this.  1st off, was it really appropriate in the 80’s for kids to play with something that essentially promoted cross dressing in the most gagtastic way?  This dude looks like John Belushi got drunk and had his way with Cher’s wardrobe!
You wanna know why your kid is jacked up?  You let them play with cards that had pics like this on them!!

I just really love that her dress is the design and color that the labels on the Smucker’s jars are.

Had to throw this in since my kids take Karate šŸ™‚

As a proud gear head I just want to point out that this dude should have GEARS sticking out of his head, not bolts.  Bucket of bolts for  brains is different than gear-head.  This general design has been overdone too many times.  I am not impressed.

Blue baby in a water cooler.  Bad taste.  

Mmmmmmmmmmm…More Cannibalism…

This one is extra special.  It not only teaches children tolerance for people who are different than themselves such as the Wolf Boy or your run of the mill chick with a ‘stache…but also encourages them to cut their own hair.  As a mom, I would like to offer a HUGAMOUS crotch kick to the creator of this one…cutting your hair is not cool kids!  NOT COOL!

I just don’t know why our generation grew up to produce so so so many MMA fighters.  Hmmmm…I wonder…

Wanna know why kids think it’s ok to play with guns?  
Because it’s fun!  Come on!  Who doesn’t want to get a few targets and dig through the attic for animal cut outs and then see if your friends are a good shot?  
I for one was raised with parents who were smart enough to edumacate me about guns and gun safety which is something I think all kids should be taught. Guns are not toys, mmmmkay?

I think this should be the new mascot for the gay pride movement.  
And so you have it.  Senseless, meaningless thoughts about how Garbage Pail Kids jacked up the generation that is about to take over running the country.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid. 
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~ by Not Yer Bitch on November 10, 2010.

One Response to “The Garbage Pail Theory”

  1. Hahahah Abby…your shit cracks my ass more then it already is!!!! I think my favorite though is Marty Gras!!! Friggin classy!~Flinky~

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