3 steps beyond what not to wear

Tell me…That mother…is NOT…dropping her kid off at school at 1pm in fluffy bunny slippers!
TELL ME SHE’S NOT!

Oh but she was!
I get out of my car today and this woman, who irritates me beyond words for reasons other than her wardrobe which is consistanly 3 sizes too small and straight from the early 90’s, comes walking toward me with fluffy bunny slippers.  I don’t mean slender slippers with little bunny faces on them, I mean 8″ wide huge puffy bunnies with ears flopping all over the ground! 

I look down at Miss Priss and say “Dude…check the bunny slippers!”  In her infinite 5 yr old wisdom she says “Yeah, those are NOT appropriate for wearing out of the house.”  I crack up!  Then I state, “I’m so going to have to blog about fluffy bunny slippers today!”  Miss Priss says, “YEAH you are!”

I quietly tell her that we should stop talking about the bunnies so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings once we get in the school.  She raises an eyebrow and agrees.

Inside the vestibule of the school waiting for them to let us in, watching the other parents’ faces was almost more than I could handle without laughing out loud! 
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better she turns around. 

HELLO MOON!

This woman who is probably early 30’s, I would guess about 5’6″ and somewhere around 220 lbs is not just wearing fluffy bunny slippers, she is also wearing jeans ripped from seam to seam across both ass cheeks…rips that envy even the best of the best from the grunge era!

Miss Priss noticed right away.  Her eyebrows both shot up, she spun her head around to me and before I could quiet her or shake my head no, she yells “WHOA, BABY!”

That was it for me!  I lost it!  I reached for my phone to take a picture of said fashion blunder and realized I had left it in the cup holder in my car…NOOOOOOOOOOO!  No joke, I wanted that photo for this blog post.  The woman who never goes anywhere without a camera…is tasting photo regret!

If this wasnt all bad enough I got stuck walking behind her to the classroom.  It was like the train wreck thing I talk about.  I couldn’t look away.  It’s mid March in northern Illinois.  She has NO tan.  Its like looking at a sheet of white paper!  Look I try not to judge.  I’m not a skinny bitch, haven’t been since the invention of Doritos…but I buy clothes that fit me.  I avoid muffin-topping, side-boob-bulging, moose-knuckling, and the dreaded quadraboob (you know-when a bra is too tight and it makes the boob that’s not in the bar bulge out further than the part in the bra, creating the effect of 4 boobs).  But when some other not so skinny, powder-esque, cottage cheese thighed girl forces her fat on my retinas, I’m sorry…let the judging begin!

There must have been something in the water today.  I drove past another girl wearing what appeared to be a hot pink beband OVER her shirt pulled up to her chest, a guy in shiney white dress shoes and jeans, and some kid already slammed drunk standing on the corner in a Leprechaun hat screaming “I’m BLOODY SEXY!” in what I THINK was supposed to be an Irish accent.  He failed.

Needless to say, I went home and checked my mirror.  My jeans still fit properly.  Phew!

No trainwreck here…and definitely no fluffy bunnies!

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~ by Not Yer Bitch on March 17, 2010.

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