And the dish ran away with the spoon…

Ok so its more like, the dog ran away with the pacifier.  NO JOKE!
Sure son, I’d love to stop you from screaming, but your puppy decided your bink was a perfect thing to swipe to add to her collection of stolen items nestled safely in that one part of our yard that I neglect and ignore.

Cell phone is ringing, its one of my mothers in law…Awesome!!  Because I don’t have enough else going on-now I can spend a half hour on the phone recanting stories of last night’s diaper blow out and the kid who gets up 200 times a night because she “can’t sleep” or more likely, doesn’t want to.

So lets recap-crying baby, dog chasing the cat, pre-k’er squealing: “The cat & dog are FIGHTING!!” in a register that I’m pretty sure only household pets and wild animals can hear.  Phone ringing, oh wait, is that the fire alarm??  Even Better!  I forgot to take the cupcakes for my oldest kid’s school bday party out of the oven!

Its mass chaos!  Everyone has what we like to call, the witching hour.  Ours happens to be that hour after school gets out.  In this single hour, 3 school aged kids invade the house with their bags and piles of outdoor gear, fling stacks on the counter of homework and more notes from teachers than is even reasonable.   the baby is inevitably hungry (because the baby is a moose and he is always freakin hungry!).  The dog gets excited that everyone is home and usually steps on someone resulting in crying.  The cat, who I only tolerate because I have to, always feels this is a good time to chime in with his 2 cents…REOWWWW…I swear he’d make a beautiful muff!  Of course I’m trying to start dinner while helping with homework that would likely reduce Einstein to tears-I mean really-what the hell are “math machines”?! And just when things couldn’t get any more chaotic, my husband walks in…”DADDY’S HOME!!!!!”  And the running, jumping, screaming kids and freaking out dog start ALL OVER AGAIN!

But this…this fire alarm riddled, crying baby missing his bink, war dialed cell phone, fighting cat & dog moment is brought to you NOT by witching hour but by my typical late morning frenzy.  Oh yeah.  It’s that much fun!  Husbands you have NO idea what your wife does all day.  You might THINK you know because on the weekend you pick up a vacuum or take a few loads of laundry upstairs for the kids to put away…but you are in the dark, soooooooo sooooooo in the dark.

The EASY solution to the chaos listed above: 

Crack open a cold one, shut yourself in your room and let everyone (dog, cat, baby, and kids) cry it out.
Lord have mercy, would child protective services have a hay-day with that one?!

The real solution…wait for it…wait for it…

*run to the wall and pull the battery out of the fire alarm (remember this for later…but you wont remember it for later.  You will remember you took the battery out sometime around 2am, then when you freak out about the alarm not being functional you will lie awake for an hour wondering if you should get out of your warm bed and put the battery back in the alarm.  After an hour of this, you will finally decide that you should, at which time the loud BEEEEEEEEEP EEEEEEEEEP of the alarm resetting itself will likely piss off your husband, wake up the dog who now needs to go out, wake up the baby who you JUST fed an hour and a half ago, and cause you a headache…where’s the Advil?!?)

*get cupcake-hockey pucks out of the oven…DO NOT FORGET THE OVEN MIT!
*grab baby, run to nursery and attempt desperately to locate your Maya/Moby/Insert other baby carrying device here
*strap baby to you
*fondly remember the backpain of pregnancy now that your 14lb moose child is hanging off your front side
*smack the dog in the ass and tell her to go lay down
*grab the cat who is now screaming-throw him in laundry room and shut door (HAH! Stupid cat!)
*hit ‘silence call’ button on cell phone (because if you hit ‘ignore’ it will send mother in law straight to voicemail and she will know you ignored her call…but silence lets it keep ringing without irritating you further).
*shhhhhhhhh…dog & cat are quiet…baby is quiet…fire alarm is quiet…phone is quiet…
Now stand in a stupor trying to figure out what you were doing before all hell broke loose…and/or what it is that you should be doing which is undoubtedly important and will; once you remember what it was, result in a string of obscenities flying from your mouth.

AH.  Take a breather.  You have about 30 seconds before the fit hits the shan again. 

Congratulations.  You just passed 21st Century Domestic Goddess 101.

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~ by Not Yer Bitch on March 3, 2010.

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