A tisket a tasket…

•November 12, 2010 • Leave a Comment
What’s up bloggy world?!?  HAPPY FRIDAY!!!
Thank heavens for last weekend and all the inspiration it gave me for writing.  Today is no exception to that!  I came across some old nursery rhyme books.  Now, we all read them as kids, we all read them to our children now, but how many of us have actually stopped…paid attention to the words…and thought about them?  Cuz I did…and I think part of my brain melted!  Some of these are seriously disturbing!  Ready??  OK!!!
The 3 Little Kittens
Three little kittens, they lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
Oh, mother dear, we sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens.
What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!
Then you shall have no pie.
Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.
You shall have no pie.

The three little kittens, they found their mittens,
And they began to cry,
Oh, mother dear, see here, see here,
Our mittens we have found.
Put on your mittens, you silly kittens,
And you shall have some pie.
Purr-r, purr-r, purr-r,
Oh, let us have some pie.

The three little kittens, put on their mittens,
And soon ate up the pie;
Oh, mother dear, we greatly fear
That we have soiled our mittens
What! Soiled your mittens, you naughty kittens!
Then they began to sigh,
Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.
They began to sigh.

The three little kittens, they washed their mittens,
And hung them out to dry;
Oh! mother dear, do you not hear
That we have washed our mittens?
What! Washed your mittens, then you’re such good kittens.
But I smell a rat close by
Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.
We smell a rat close by.

For starters, Mama cat needs some freakin Prozac!  She’s up, she’s down, she’s back up…my God!  Those poor kittens must be completely confused all the time!
I would like to know, what makes Mama cat think it’s ok to not feed her kids just because they misplaced mittens.  I would assume that they have a general idea of where they lost them…school, around the house, at a friend’s house…etc.  I don’t think refusal to feed them was completely necessary-perhaps start off with trying to locate said mittens.
Then they find them.  GOOD KITTIES!  But they eat with them on.  Stupid kitties!  And mom gets mad and whoops their asses!!!  Wait wait wait!  Where was mom when her children were eating dinner unsupervised with mittens on?!?  Who’s to blame here?  Young stupid kittens or a neglectful mom who was probably up in her room on Myspace bashing her ex-Tom or purging while her children were alone?  She’s just lucky none of them choked on pie while they were unsupervised!!
Then she makes them wash their own mittens…really?  You make your kids to the laundry themselves too?  Now she’s on an up swing again…but after a mouse which means she will likely ignore her kids again while chasing the mouse.  What a horrible display of bad single mother parenting!

It’s raining, it’s pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn’t get up in the morning.

DUDE!  He hit his head!  He can’t get up!  Someone call 911!!!  Isn’t it obvious the old man has a serious concussion???  My God, does no one care about him?  Where is his family?  His neighbors?  This poor man needs medical attention!  Here is the 2nd verse (according to me):

Flashers and siren
Stop the old man from dyin
Call 911
So his life ain’t done
Let’s get them Blue Angels up flyin’
Lady Bug Lady Bug
Fly away home
Your house is on fire
Your children all gone
All except one, and that’s little Ann
She has crept under the frying pan.

WTF???  That’s HORRIBLE!  Hey…bug…your kids all died in a fire while you were…again…out neglecting to care for them.  One of them is trapped under a frying pan.  Good luck getting there in time to save her.  And again, here is verse 2 (me style):

Lady bug lady bug
No smoke alarm?
Has no one taught you
about fire’s harm?
Extinguisher, sprinkler something to save
your home and your children and your husband, Dave.
The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow
and what will poor robin do then, poor thing?
He’ll sit in the barn and keep him self warn
and hide his head under his wing, poor thing,

Well apparently Robin was sick on migration day in school.  If he’s too stupid for instinct to kick in, it’s likely he won’t survive the winter and you will find his dehydrated carcass next spring.  Fair warning parents…perhaps you should clean out the barn before allowing the children to go play out there.

This one is my personal favorite!

I always loved the picture:

Little Polly Flinders
Sat among the cinders 
Warming her pretty little toes.
Her mother came and caught her
And whipped her little daughter, 
For spoiling her nice new clothes.

Again.  Where was mom while Polly was crawling into the FREAKIN FIRE PLACE!!!???  Holy shit, they’re lucky there was no fire in there!  What sort of nursery rhyme would that have been?  I won’t even go there…too morbid.
Mrs Mama Flinders
Found Polly in the cinders
and realized she was a sucky mom
She drank a bottle of cheap wine
and said, “My daughter is just fine”
and showed the world that she is really dumb.

YOUR SON IS A DRUNK!  Who the hell else sleeps with half his clothes on and half his clothes off.  BOOZER!

Last but not least, is the story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears.  What a ridiculous sting of bad turning worse!

Essentially, Goldie gets lost in the woods, knocks on a door of a house but no one is home so she goes inside, eats their food, breaks their furniture, and sleeps in their beds. 
When the home owners get back they find their place trashed, food eaten, door wide open and some strange girl passed out in their son’s bed!
So, let me make sure I’ve got this straight…
She commits felony breaking and entering, what I assume is misdemeanor destruction of property, theft (skipping a bill at a restaurant is theft, so I’m counting breaking in and eating someone else’s food as theft too), and then crashes in their house?  Yeah…awesome role model for our kids!
Where were Goldie’s parents when she wandered away from home and into the woods.  Why were the police not notified, an Amber Alert initiated and search parties sent out to find her?  I’m sensing a pattern here…parents neglect kids, kids do something that otherwise would be considered bad, parents blame kids instead of themselves, and this is supposed to teach the readers’ children a lesson.  
Oh, let us not forget that the home owners are flesh eating carnivores.  
Goldie freaks out and runs away (the only smart move she makes the entire story).

Baby Bear cried, because Baby Bear is a crier. (5 CDG bucks to whoever knows that movie reference)

I don’t know whether the bigger issue is that Goldie obviously has a warped sense of body image and didn’t realize that she’s too fat for the chair, or the blatant destruction of property occurring that she seems completely unconcerned with.  Does she intend to pay for this damage?  
Isn’t it important for our children to learn to take responsibility for their actions?  Run away!  They’re bears!  They’ll never find you!  Why bother paying for the furniture you destroyed…stupid bears!
Seriously baby bear…perhaps some counseling and work on your self esteem will help you with your need to cry all the time.  You’re too young to be that hormonal.

Here’s the part of the story they DON’T tell you.  Fast forward 12 years…
Since Goldie ran away from the Bears’ house and was never held accountable for her actions, she never learned about breaking the law or how the court system works.
She joined a gang and is a crew runner now.  She has a rap-sheet longer than the stick Mrs. Flinders uses to whip Polly which includes; grand theft auto, racketeering, gang involvement, drive by shootings (she had a falling out with Hansel and Gretel), and dog fighting because after her run in with bears that caused her great post traumatic stress, she has an inane hatred of all animals.  Had Polly’s mom gotten her therapy and taught her that her juvenile indiscretions with the law were wrong, she may have avoided a life of poverty, violence, and running from the police.

In all seriousness, looking back at old nursery rhymes is a huge reminder of how different the world is today…back when we were kids, teaching them that being bad meant a whoopin’ was just how it was done.  Now, smacking butts can get ya the lock up for abuse.  I’m amazed at the things that were read to us as kids but more so amazed at how the world’s view on acceptable behavior and punishment has changed.  Either way, I love these old nursery rhymes.  What a riot!  Anyone got anymore???

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I’m joining Hoarders Anonymous!!

•November 11, 2010 • Leave a Comment

A few days back I promised a post about the trash and treasures I found while moving the last of my ignored possessions out of my parent’s place.  These were boxes of stuff that had been neglected, ignored, and left behind when I moved out years and years and years ago.  What does that mean…it means that with the exception of one book that I had been going insane trying to find, I didn’t miss any of this shit.  That being said, I got a big kick out of some of this stuff.  Either you will too, or reading this will be 5 minutes of your life you will never get back.  Cheers!!

Holy crap it’s a Taco Bell critter.  I honestly don’t remember what these were called (and apparently didn’t think to look at the tag before it went in the bag to go to the crisis pregnancy center) but I DO remember that our electrician when our home was being built, used to hit Taco Bell for lunch almost every day and would bring toys to us sometimes.  He was awesome!  I also came across the Sprites from Rainbow Bright (also Taco Bell toys) and about those, I would just like to say:
Smeechy Yurble 
because Fruzz Hucko Weezer.
(they had their own language and the toys came with tags that translated phrases…so…Gimme a kiss because I like your face!) 
Carnival animals and toys are always the best…especially when they’re probably 16 years old and you realize that the handwriting on it is that of your husband.  AWWWWWWWWWWW!  It’s true.  Happiness is being with me.  

Some kids collected baseball cards.  Not me.  I collected Lion King Cards (or so it would seem) at some point.  Always good to invest in something with no real cash or resale value.  I guess it’s ok, the kids are having a blast playing with them.

Please note the awesome 80’s tastic glittery hairbands.  Mufasa is not pleased with them.

This was my 1st watch.  Did anyone else have one?  I freakin love it.  No wonder kids our age could tell time so easily, between this and my big clock toy and the owl clock toy-they were slamming us on every front with analog time telling devices.  I will be implementing their use with the kids who have yet to learn to tell time!

Biggest waste of $5 ever…and most brilliant tourist gimmick ever!

MY LIGHT  BRIGHT!!!  And still with a picture!  The light bulb needs replacing, but this was super exciting.

This is my very favorite thing that we found.  It’s my very 1st camera.  If you’re new here, I’m a Documentary Photographer so this was a super exciting find.  I’m totally putting this on a shelf in my new office when we move!  No, Moose…sorry you can’t have it 😦
You got it!  It’s a Nokia brick phone!  I miss the days of unbreakable phones.  I handed this to my son who proceeded to pound it on the floor, throw it from his high chair, and guess what, it still works.  Wonder if Verizon can switch my service back to it because my poor blackberry is taking a BEATING!
Old school 1979 Tonka truck!  HELL YEAH!  My boy will get some fun out of this.  Wish I knew where the horses were 😦
So I found this gem in a box of glass ware.  How it ended up in there is beyond me.  Creepy, no?
It gets better.  
In another box, one full of slutty Barbie clothes…I found 3 more!  
Apparently all those short skirts, tall boots, and tiny tops that Barbie wore over the years before she chunked up and got a breast reduction really DID result in Ken knocking her up!
4 kids!  Hmmmm…that’s vaguely familiar.

Dance till ya can’t dance till ya can’t dance no mo…
It still plays!  I’m listening to it now.  Let me see you moooooooooooove…

Awww!  So cool.  Mooskers loves it!

What child doesn’t need a satanic stick horse?  EVIL!  Moose loves to hit things with it…go figure.

Too bad it’s not real money.  Or a real vintage cash register.  Still cool though.
Lets see…hey kids, can you tell me what apple minus ice cream cone equals?  I feel confusion coming on.  Maybe I should hide this toy. 

Time learning device #2…except that uhm…his left eye has gone kinda wonky soooooooo it’s teaching you the wrong time.  Too bad.  

Time learning device #3…orrrrrrrr something to throw depending on if you’re Moose or not.

Remember when plastic bracelets were JUST plastic bracelets…not secret codes for drugs and sex?  Yeah.  The good old days.

All you need to know about Dillon and uhmmmmmm frick I can’t remember any of their names.  Look, Tori Spelling was still a healthy weight and Shannon Doherty hadn’t been arrested for battery yet!  Awww so innocent!

It would appear that where I was raised, we had problems with incredibly large rabbits and space aliens. 
Not just any picture.  Artist Picture.

OH MY GOD…LOVE THE 80’s MEN!!!
I just want to sing out “I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION” at the top of my lungs.  “I CAN’T FACE ANOTHER NIGHT ON MY OWN!”
That’s it, C+C has to go off…going on a Nelson hunt.

Awww.  Love letters from high school…I ❀ my husband πŸ™‚  Always have, always will.

How many post cards of half naked men does one girl  need?  
7!!!

Yes.  Yes we do.

Specifically this one.  
***

Save the best for last!  CATMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE.  WTF?!?  I had this, along with another magazine called PUPPLE WEEKLY, both spoofs of actual magazines (duh) years and years ago.  PUPPLE has gone by the way side but apparently all these years I felt some urge to hold onto a cat glamor mag…which is weird because I’m totally a dog and pony person.
When I got looking at this ridconkulous spoofazine, I had to post some of it and talk about it!  

Ok, now, without the cat photos below the headline, you could be looking at a whole DIFFERENT type of magazine.  In all seriousness, I wonder if someone really sent in that order form cut out, if they would now (or in the past when this was published…1987) have actually received a pin up poster of one of these.  And if they did, what would they do with it.  Or more interestingly, who would order that?

The back cover is about the uhmmmmm…I don’t know if you would call her an author…but the crack head cat obsessed creator.
Apparently she also produced a mag called Dogue.  Gag.  Really??
I’m truly shocked that this only had one issue…and that she wasn’t institutionalized after publication.

I love the black cat’s face…”I will claw your eyes out for this!”

I’m calling animal cruelty on this one!  Who does that to a cat?  Can’t say those products weren’t animal tested!

This one is just for my stalker.  See…there’s nothing wrong with producing mock ads.

So ridiculous.

I’m telling you, she must have had some sort of kitty sedative because if I even pick my cat up when he’s not in the mood, he lacerates my arms.

NO WAY!  A quiz!  Apparently I’m not cut out for a Tom cat.  I’m going to cry myself to sleep tonight…on my catnip pillow.

Shut up.
Catmopolitan in “like new” condition sells for $100 on ebay.  I have a cat crazed sister.  Guess what she’s getting for Christmas…
From toys to memories to ass shots of hot guys and everything in between, I had it at one point and now after this long silly post of silly stuff I once upon a time thought was cool…most of it has hit the recycling bin.  
Good jog down memory lane though.  Only 2 more huge boxes to go!

The Garbage Pail Theory

•November 10, 2010 • 1 Comment
Garbage Pail Kids!!!   One of the greatest phenomenon to come out of the 1980’s!
There were 15 series that came out of the original sets.  Sometimes the artwork was the same with a different name, a spoof on the Cabbage Patch Kids who claimed that no 2 dolls were the same.
So in the process of digging through mountainous years of childhood hoarding, I came across a Snickers tin filled with my personal set of the original cards.  That’s right kiddies, these photos are mine, not some shit pulled off the world wide web.  
As I got to flipping through these, I started to realize how totally effed up they are!  I don’t blame them in any way for the jacked up society that my generation has created, but I can see how they could definitely be to blame for something here or there and how uber conservative parents such as mine might have seen them unfit for their kids to have.  Which makes me wonder why my parents let us have them.
In typical me fashion, I present to you…my view of Garbage Pail Kids!
This is only the best of the best of my collection…aka, the ones that will be the best to poke fun at. 
Pinned Lynn.  For real?  Hey kiddies, have you heard of Voodoo?  It’s great!  You can make a doll in the likeness of the class bully, your teacher, and that popular girl that gets under your skin and then stab the doll to inflict injury on your chosen enemy!  It’s awesome!  And that’s just lesson #1!!!  Wait until we get to raising the dead as zombies!!  Voodoo is FUN!

Clean Maureen.  I don’t even know what to say to this one.  I have realized though, that Garbage Pail Kids were so freakin racist!  The well…I’m not 100% sure if the child shown is Hispanic, African American, or something else…but does this card really show what appears to be an African American kid HANGING in the ghetto?  Really?!?  So not PC…and coming from me, that’s bad!  *Just to clarify…I’m politically incorrect, not racist.*

Nailed Neil!!  I love the fact that he had the sense; while entrancing a cobra and laying on a bed of nails, to bring a first aid kit!  There’s some forethought for you!  No worries, kids.  Playing with deadly snakes and sharp potentially rusty objects is all fun and games as long as you keep a first aid kit near by!  

Dyin’ Dinah.  Who names their kid Dinah?  I mean after the song that sings “Dinah won’t you blow…” no way would I go there!  She’s sweating as she drops through freezing cold upper atmospheric air while strapped to Fat Man.  Of course.  What child wouldn’t be sweating?

Woody Alan…this one only disturbs me because of the leg being hacked off by a saw. 

Ashley Can.  She CAN dig through garbage, she CAN present an awesome image for the city she loves so much and while what appears to be the twin towers rises in the background, Ashley CAN show us just how the creators of GPKs really feel about the Big Apple.  Ouch!  

This one makes me giggle snort after this whole mess with BP.  Perhaps the GPK creators were predicting the future.  Again with the NYC bashing!  What’s up with that?

Deadly Dudley.  Nothing like a kids collector card depicting the murder of another one of the characters from the same line of products.  Dudley…the leather pants?  Are they really necessary?  And is that hair, a scar, or a jacked up Kanji tattoo on his chest?  

I just want to use this one to point out that in the 80’s…we still encouraged kids to smoke.  You’d be amazed how many GPKs smoked.  Smokers!  Bet they all have paper lung cancer now.  Stupid cartoons.

Moist Joyce…it’s ok neglectful mommas who are busy eating bon bons and watching…well I’m not sure what talk shows were on back in the day…but don’t worry about that child rotting in its own piss in the corner.  Seriously, some moms are like that.  I’ve dealt with one such mom.  

WTF is this?  
#1  The dough boy…yeah he was too smart to ever get caught up under a rolling pin.
#2  Who would roll him out if they DID catch him…I can’t imagine it being pleasant, easy, or necessary.  Is he the last bit of dough on the planet.  Will we die without his bready goodness?  
#3  Who wants to eat something made out of a dough that’s such an unappetizing greenish color anyway?

Beth Death.  I just put this one up here for my sister in law πŸ™‚

Mmmmmmmmmm…Cannibalism…

Flat Tyler.  He got run over.  He got run over.  HE GOT RUN THE FUCK OVER.  And yet he still has that same silly stare on his face.  Don’t play in the street kiddies!  

His friends may be cheering him on in the background but I don’t think Cherry is having fun.  Maybe he is blowing himself up because his parents named him Cherry.  I strive to keep my kids from playing with fire works…this is not helping.

Gigglesnort…make fun of the pot heads.  DUDE…yer so stoned you don’t even know you’re book’s upside down!  Nice b-jeezus sandals and bongos.  On a side note, I got a huge kick this morning out of my friend’s address.  We went to high school together and now live in the same town.  She was and still is one of the biggest hippies I’ve ever known in my life and when I drove past her place today, I realized for the 1st time that her address is 420.  Wonder if she planned that…

F pride in your country!  Sam picks his nose!  

This is the Garbage Pail Kid version of my dog:
HUGE BOOGAH EARS

This is why you should wear a helmet kids.  You might lose teeth, get money from the tooth fairy and break the ground if you fall.  Please also note, it is important to tie your shoes.

Eating disorder anyone?  Anyone?

I’m sorry Mrs. Smith, I just don’t know why your son would think it’s safe to pound a nail into his skull!
This dude has amazing Popeye arms.  I’m surprised spinach isn’t oozing out of the holes in his head.

This is just weird.  I do dig the U2 on the block though.  Was U2 really thought of as the type of band someone with a green mohawk would listen to?  I don’t think so.  And since when are punk rockers so docile…he should be jumping around, not sitting there with snot coming out his nose in a complete daze.

‘ROID RAGE!!!

She’s hairy. So what?  Maybe she’s French!  My sister wore a fanny pack around Disney World all of our vacation last year. When I made fun of her for it, she told me that if anyone said anything about it she would “just act European” because “Europeans can get away with it”.
Nope.  Not cool. 

Just, Ewww!  Teach your child how to use a Kleenex properly.  Gross.  And we wonder why kids spread germs.  YAY for playing with snot!

This is my favorite.  I have nothing negative to say about this.  I blast my brains out regularly with music.

I love teaching children how to crush and kill small unsuspecting animals.  

This one bothers me more than anything.  Back in the day this one totally grossed me out.  
It’s grody to the max!

STFU!!!  
I don’t even know where to start with this.  1st off, was it really appropriate in the 80’s for kids to play with something that essentially promoted cross dressing in the most gagtastic way?  This dude looks like John Belushi got drunk and had his way with Cher’s wardrobe!
You wanna know why your kid is jacked up?  You let them play with cards that had pics like this on them!!

I just really love that her dress is the design and color that the labels on the Smucker’s jars are.

Had to throw this in since my kids take Karate πŸ™‚

As a proud gear head I just want to point out that this dude should have GEARS sticking out of his head, not bolts.  Bucket of bolts for  brains is different than gear-head.  This general design has been overdone too many times.  I am not impressed.

Blue baby in a water cooler.  Bad taste.  

Mmmmmmmmmmm…More Cannibalism…

This one is extra special.  It not only teaches children tolerance for people who are different than themselves such as the Wolf Boy or your run of the mill chick with a ‘stache…but also encourages them to cut their own hair.  As a mom, I would like to offer a HUGAMOUS crotch kick to the creator of this one…cutting your hair is not cool kids!  NOT COOL!

I just don’t know why our generation grew up to produce so so so many MMA fighters.  Hmmmm…I wonder…

Wanna know why kids think it’s ok to play with guns?  
Because it’s fun!  Come on!  Who doesn’t want to get a few targets and dig through the attic for animal cut outs and then see if your friends are a good shot?  
I for one was raised with parents who were smart enough to edumacate me about guns and gun safety which is something I think all kids should be taught. Guns are not toys, mmmmkay?

I think this should be the new mascot for the gay pride movement.  
And so you have it.  Senseless, meaningless thoughts about how Garbage Pail Kids jacked up the generation that is about to take over running the country.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid. 

STL

•November 9, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I’m tryin to get in the grove again but the last 3 days have been chaotic and impossible…it seems like I’m not getting anything done today PLUS little man doesn’t want to nap so yeah…so much for me time!

I helped my “friend” move her stuff back home after 3 years with that ass I mentioned in a previous post.  What a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng 2 days.  I got up at 4am on Saturday morning and headed for St. Louis for what would be a turn & burn trip.

I want to start off by pointing out what a truck driver’s wife I am.  The smaller the trailer, the harder it is to back as a general rule.  This one is no exception.  But I rocked it out πŸ™‚

This is what 4:30 am looked like to me.  A little shaky, a little blurry, a LOT of Mt. Dew and this damn GPS that my husband insisted I take with me.  Here’s the thing about GPS…while it’s totally dope to have that map in your face…I HATE that every time I look up at it I end up saying “DAMN IT!  I’ve only gone 2 more miles since the last time I looked!”

I’m a huge fan of looking at a map, knowing my route, and just going.  I was amazed how late it stayed dark.  The following morning was the day we set the clocks back, so timing was just right for me to have a 3 hour ride in the dark.  I do have to admit that the photographer in me loves the velvety blue color that everything gets just before sunrise during the fall and winter.

Once I had consumed 3 Mt. Dews and a bottle of tea, it was time for a pit stop.  I was thrilled to see that some truck stops keep their restaurants open 24 hours a day!  Did I get Subway at 6am?  No, but it’s good to know that I have that option in the future.  Never know when you will need Subway at 6am!  
I also got a kick out of the pole cars.  What’s a pole car?  Well obviously you guys don’t work in the trucking industry!  A pole car (as seen below) is a car with a giant pole attached to it.  Yes, I’m serious.  They drive before and or after wide and oversized loads (in Illinois, any load wider than 14’1″ or taller than 14’6″ require an escort vehicle such as a pole car).  The pole is only attached if they are escorting a very tall load, they set the height to the height of the load the truck is hauling and if their pole hits a bridge, they know the load won’t make it under that bridge at which point they’re all pretty much screwed.  Since oversize loads are not allowed to haul at night unless they have a very specialized and very expensive permit, I would assume these guys were heading toward a job.  Also, they had cartoon drawings of windmills on them, which leads me to believe they work exclusively with the wind farms out here.  I know, I’m a freakin genius!

I did not take my camera so forgive the crappy nature of my Blackberry photos.  As I continued along, the sun finally came up.  This was somewhere into CD #5 I believe…Tool.  Funny watching a sunrise and hearing “I’m praying for mayhem, I’m praying for tidal waves…”.  I couldn’t have asked for a prettier sunrise or for better timing, the dark was getting to me and making me wish I was back in bed; which would essentially be my sentiments the rest of the day.
 I like the blurry one below.  It’s not blurry, it’s ‘soft focus’.
 Truck in the sunrise for my husband πŸ™‚
Just as the sun crested I came into Springfield.  Springfield, Where?  I can’t tell you what state it is!  But what I can tell you is that Springfield is a dirty icky polluting town and it sucks.  We should put a dome over it.

It’s ok, because apparently there is little if any brains being used in the town of Springfield which I realized as I came upon this guy below.  It’s 28 freakin degrees out and he’s on…well a Vespa.  Brain dead sign #1.  Brain dead sign #2 was that he was doing 65mph on a Vespa with no helmet.  Now, I’m not someone who believes helmets should be required.  I actually do not and will not wear a helmet when riding horses, motorcycles or other such things, but a Vespa?  At those speeds?  I didn’t even know the gerbils running the wheels in the motor could go that fast!  Something about this just screamed DANGER!  Then him weaving in and out of traffic turned that to, “DANGER, IDIOT!”

I’m not entirely sure that it’s healthy to drink something that is radioactive blue in color, but by this point in the trip I was on at least bottle #5.

Ah St. Louis.  I hate you.  Land of psychotic drivers, the most ridiculous road system ever, horrible traffic, insane lane shut downs and of course, East St. Louis which is essentially one of the 5 armpits of the United States.  Yes.  We have 5. The entirety of the states of Oklahoma, Missouri, and Arkansas are some of the others.

The ‘Gateway to the West’.  A giant arch in the sky.  Too bad it wasn’t 2 arches, and golden rather than steel. I was starving by this point.

A little known fact about Missouri is, that it is so fucked up as a state…that it even confuses alien visitors.  Here you can see that in a state of utter chaos and confusion, ET accidentally left his crop circle on the side of a building!

 I had to throw this next one in because…well because.

Upon arrival I found that there were 3 issues.
1.  My friend as a basket case and purt-near worthless in the packing and hauling field.
2.  The furniture was filthy and too big to fit easily down the stairs.
3.  There was no one else there to help except the guy she was breaking up with…I had to move big heavy furniture.
By the time we got stuff downstairs and to the trailer I was so aggravated that I said F it and just started stuffing things in.  This was not a professional moving job, I was losing my ability to give a shit very rapidly.  Everything made it in one piece without being damaged so apparently it worked.

We literally stuffed the trailer and my SUV to the gills.  That vacuum hose is holding the cat scratching post in!

On the way home I was stoked to see my pink elephant!  The 1st trip my mom made with me to Mississip we stopped in Hayti, MO at a gas station that had 2 huge pink elephants.  Upon our next trip we were sad to see they were no longer there.  They had been moved to an antique shop further north in MO.  Sure as shit, I found them along with a giant man (standing behind the giant ice cream cone) and a ton of other wicked shit.  I HAVE TO go back to this place and check out all they have some day!

It was also around this point in the trip when the cats I was transporting decided it was potty time…or their owner did.  We hit a gas station and I went in to use the facilities.  When I returned to my car, the cats were being moved to a larger cat carrier one at a time so they could use a box.  The box, had litter that I would bet was at least a month old and smelled worse than anything I had smelled in my life.  The funny thing was, my friend who was sitting in the car with all the windows down begging the cats to pee, was doing something like this:

“Kitty, would you *BLEHHH*  please please go *BLEHHH* potty!  Please  *BLEHHH* go potty!”
Yeah, she was borderline horking when I returned to the car.  Me being smarter and less concerned for her cat’s urinary tract health than she was, stood outside of the car while this gross display of obsessive pet ownership went on.  The more she made horking noises, the harder I laughed.  The harder I laughed the more she yelled “It’s not funny!” which again, only made me laugh harder.  The people fueling up next to our car were looking at us like we were on drugs which like the former and latter, only resulted in my maniacal laughter getting worse as tears began to roll down my face.  To make matters even worse, she was now done with the cat peeing, and had attempted to back into the front seat and in the process had gotten her leg completely stuck, fallen backwards, and had the litter box resting on her chest right in her face.  She was yelling “Abby!  Help me!  I’m stuck!  Take the litter box!”
Which was met with me saying (while laughing), “Fuck you!  You take the litter box!  I’m not touching that thing!”  By the time she got out of the car, tossed the entire box in the garbage and walked into the gas station, still making horking noises, I had calmed down and the smell in the car had gone mostly back to  normal.  I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since right after I had my baby boy.

After what seemed like the longest 5 hour drive of my life…make that 6 hours after all the stops we had to make…the sun started to set and I was almost home.  That didn’t mean my job was over.

The next day I had to take the trailer and junk enclosed in it another hour east to drop it off.  After offloading, I decided to make use of the trailer to get my stuff that was still housed at my parents house.  The long weekend was winding down.  I worked my way back to the sticks staring into some sun dogs and once home had some fun digging through old treasures.  

 

I will save my treasures for another day.  I just figured I would share with you all my journey which kept me from family and blogging for 2 days.  Fear not, I have returned!

HOLY FRICKUS

•November 7, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Today was one of the longest days of my life, but guess what, I took pics!  Lots of stories and cool shit to come tomorrow πŸ™‚

It’s not like it is in the movies!!

•November 4, 2010 • 2 Comments

When I walked through the door of the ER at my fastest pace possible with 3 little ducklings trailing and one in my arms last night I expected to feverishly yell “My 11 month old is having an allergic reaction” and get a response like this:

Or like this:

Or even this:

But it was more like this:

Well honestly, there was a waiting room full of people but the 2 people behind the desk and the slew of nurses flowing out of the back room chit chatting it up with the front desk guys were less than interested in my emergency.  I walked back out the door, looked up and came back in and said “Uhhhhhhh…this is the EMERGENCY room right?  Cuz I’m having a fucking emergency!”

Apparently a massive and rapidly spreading rash is not a big deal as long as your baby is still being cute and flirting with the female docs.  When I say rapidly spreading, I mean from only in the diaper region to his entire chest, back, legs and most of his arms and cheeks within 20 minutes.

There is a SLIGHT chance I might have walked into this place with a chip on my shoulder, seeing as how I’ve had 2 bad experiences there and have only been to the hospital…uhm…2 times.  Yeah.  Not a great track record with me.

The 1st time, I was having an anaphylactic reaction and my doc called ahead to tell the ER I was on my way with chest pains and difficulty breathing.  After letting me sit for 5 hours (until my pulse ox came back up to normal) the ER doc tells me he thinks I have a rib out of alignment and that’s why my chest hurt.  Uhm…what would make you think that?  They didn’t do any xrays or anything like that!  Then gives me a chiropractor’s phone number and a script for Vicodin!  :headdesk:

The 2nd time, I suddenly popped up with a rash while pregnant and the doc said to go get checked out to make sure it wasn’t PUPPS (super itchy belly rash for those of you who’ve never been pregnant).  While I’m there, and 16 weeks pregnant, the nurse was having trouble finding little man’s heart beat on the doppler.  I ask her to see if someone else can find it.

She leaves.  Then she comes back in the room 10 minutes later and says, “The doc says that what you have is just contact dermatitis so that wouldn’t effect the baby anyway and there’s no one else available to do a doppler right now.”  I go pregnant woman postal and flip my lid  because only a few months earlier I had lost a little belly bean at 10 weeks.  I tell the woman to go get another person to do the doppler.  She leaves, another nurse comes back.

This nurse tells me there is no one from labor and delivery available to come down to do a doppler.  WHAT?  I say, “I have a doppler at home!  Give me the fucking thing!  I’ll do it myself!”  Of course no no no, that’s hospital equipment and blah blah policy blah blah.  So I say, “Fine, I have good insurance, you have given me reason to suspect I may have miscarried, take me for an ultrasound.”  Of course that didn’t happen either.  What did happen was me being gently walked out of the hospital by a very nice security guard while cussing openly about how incompetent they are.  I got home and got the Moose beat on the monitor right away.  Go figure, I was right, totally incompetent ER staff that night and a GQ wanna be doc who was more worried about his hair and fake bake orange tan than making sure my  baby was still ok.  Fucker.

So when my son’s pediatrician said last night to get him to an urgent care facility and not to drive the 45 minutes to my ER of choice (they know me so well…) I had no choice but to swallow my pride and take him to the hospital who’s reputation is good with the media (thanks to the NIU shooter) but not so good with locals.  I know one woman who says she “wouldn’t take her dog there to die”!

I walk in and get no  only  and what I was really hoping for was a little bit o’ but instead I got to sit in the waiting room trying to explain to my 3 healthy kids that NO, THIS   (Adult Swim, for those of you without a pulse) is not really cartoons for kids because the 2 male nurses sitting at the reception desk were so busy dishing about Grey’s Anatomy that they didn’t have time to be bothered with changing the channel or finding us a God damn triage nurse to check us in.  They did however have time to comment that my son looked “just fine”.  OH GOOD!  The flunky who has to work reception because he didn’t make the ‘doctor cut’ thinks he LOOKS fine so we have nothing to worry about.

After a nice long hour of waiting, whining, and spending a small fortune on Gatorade because the kids were parched (that’s what happens after bedtime…the gremlins need water) they finally found a room for us.  Of course, by this time my husband had made it there…thankfully the whole herd didn’t have to hang at the hospital any longer.  It would be my luck that I’d have to make a 9pm ER trip the one and only night in the last 2 months that my husband has to work late.  That’s my life.

So as it turns out, my poor little guy had a reaction to his meds (duh, we already covered that) but this type of reaction is kind of weird.  It was a yeast reaction…not a  yeast infection…a yeast reaction.  So we have ointments and new meds and Benadril and extra baths.  We’ve been having the joy of free-ballin time because the rash is worst near his bum & junk because the meds were also kind enough to turn his pee so acidic that in the 1 hour between his normal diaper changes-it burned his skin (also a reaction from the meds but somewhat more rare).  And what this all adds up to is a really long last 24 hours.

My personal favorite part was when the little guy pooped on the floor and before I could get across the room, began Van Gogh-ing with it in a Starry Night sort of swirly sky fashion.  I yelled at my sister on the phone “I gotta go, Moose is playing with poo!”  Poo?  Who says that, I mean other than Elliott on Scrubs?!?  I’m not sure what was worse, him pooing on the floor, playing with it, me getting it all over my shirt (which by the way, I totally didn’t notice for like an hour), or the fact that while I was bathing him in the kitchen sink, the dog licked said impressionist poo painting up completely.  Gag!

I’m so looking forward to the remainder of this evening.  Perhaps we can avoid any more pee or poo mishaps…probably not.  In the mean time I have my Clorox Clean-Up and paper towels locked and loaded.
A special thank you to my dog for for me but I got this covered!

:( *Sad face*

•November 4, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Sorry there was no post yesterday!  My baby boy and I are both sick and we had a rough go of it yesterday…ended up in the ER last night because he had a reaction to his antibiotics.  It runs in the family…long story.  Anyway, rough day-rougher night…but I will get a post up today and one tomorrow, then I’m out Saturday to help my friend who ditched the wife beater move the rest of her stuff home πŸ™‚